A Light to Rid the World of Shadows

Clarity Scifiroots

Disclaimers: Regular ones apply of course. I make no profit, this is just for fun.

Summary: Post Shadows, Johnny reflects on what the visions reveled to him about his feelings for Bruce

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I tried to rationalize what I had been seeing. I tried to come up with an excuse for my reaction to the events that might have been.

I tried to convince myself that I would have reacted the same way if it had been anyone else.

But the truth is, I don’t think I would have. I mean, I might have sought revenge if someone killed my son. Then again, I think I would be in too much grief to be able to function; I would have felt something. It wasn’t the same as what I was feeling in these visions. No, I had become so numb, so empty—as if my soul had been torn from me.

I nearly killed a man for what he would have don—had I left Bruce alone with him. I nearly killed a man who had done nothing wrong except had a really lousy day. I did kill him in all of my visions, there was not one where I let him live; I refused to wait for Walt, for the police to do their job. I had taken what I thought to be “justice” into my own hands. I felt nothing when I strangled the last breath from him. I felt nothing but the unending emptiness that was my stomach after Bruce’s heart refused to beat.

To lose Bruce in such a way—to lose him to death—would be impossible to bear. I’m not sure I could live without Bruce. I think then I would have no second thoughts regarding assassinating that son-of-a-bitch Stillson.

I hadn’t ever realized how much Bruce means to me until these past few days. Wait—that might be wrong. I remember when I went with him back to his home in Indiana for his father’s funeral. There was a connection we forged there, something strange and almost… well, uncomfortable to me. He had lived through a vision, but I had only the barest inkling of what happened in it. We were close for that short week. It was the closest I had been to someone since my time with Sara pre-coma.

Why didn’t I recognize this before…?

I think I was scared what it would mean. I was terrified that he would leave me, that we would grow distant, as Sara and I have. That wouldn’t be something I could deal with, not again. I don’t want to lose him.

I love him.

And to be fair to us both, I know we need to talk. I spent the day holed up on my own, considering all that I feel and what I am going to say. He’s coming over tomorrow and I know he knows that we have to have this conversation. We need to sort out for peace of mind how we fit together in our shared life.

No matter what is decided, I know now that he won’t leave and I won’t leave him. He’s too important to lose. I could never be who I am without him.

~ * Fin * ~

September 5, 2004